Art History Hotties: Madonna and Child with Saints John the Baptist and Catherine

7:00 AM

Perugino, Madonna and Child with Saints John the Baptist and Cathrine, 1495
By ETHAN DOSKEY

Perugino's Madonna looks like the Valedictorian of your grade who kept a steady 4.4 gpa, got a 32 on the ACT in 7th grade, was the Homecoming Queen, who you wish you were, and who you still think is a 10. Her mom attends Jazzercise every day (when Mary isn't dress-coded and needs her mom to get her jeans from home), and grabs Mary's arm at the grocery store to tell her to shut up because she's embarrassing her. Her favorite Snapchat filter is the deer - seeing her story is the highlight of your day. Her hands look soft and warm like a blanket fresh out of the laundry, and her hair looks as smooth as the over-priced tablecloth they pull out of the closet whenever their extended family from Cincinnati comes into town.

Madonna looks like you just told her that you forgot to bring cupcakes to advisory... even though she sent you an e-mail last night reminding you. Catherine and St. John the Baptist are fed up - this is the second week in a row. You are very embarrassed by this because you were planning to confess your feelings to her on the upcoming field trip (you were assigned the same group so this was your big chance to be alone with her). Yet, you still love the sensation of her acknowledging your existence.

Despite this incident (and no, you chickened out and missed your chance to profess your love to her), you still crush on Madonna everyday and cherish her note in your yearbook from last year telling you to "stay cool" just before you tuck yourself in at night.

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