John Singer Sargent, Lady Agnew of Lochnaw, 1892

By SAI GONDI

Why, hello there. Your radiating beauty has seemed to form a gravitational field, pulling me in. My mistake, I will now depart your lustrous orbit. Oh, you desire I stay? Certainly. Let me remove my pelt coat. You like it? Well, it consists of imported koala fur, only the finest that satisfies my refined tastes. Your exquisite dress and perfect face has me blinded by rays of elegance emanating from you. My name? Dr. John C. H. Howard Davidson VI Esq.

May I ask you something? How might I acquire your numerical characters to further out communication later tonight, or "Hotline Bling," as the children might say. Haha, you think I am funny don't you? I did not choose the utterly perfect life I possess, with my sharp jaw lines and abdomens so defined it resembles an inside out waffle. Truly, everything fell into place naturally. But, I am missing something. See that mural above my solid gold fire place depicting my uncontrollably beautiful self? You should be there, next to me. Oh, don't blush. I can have you painted if you so desire. I doubt the artist could captivate you beauty. My eyes are still adapting to see such perfection, while my heart seems to be overly adapted.

Stare into my eyes. You will see the fire of a young lad ready to love you from sea to sea. Wait, the phone in my kitchen seems to be ringing. Un momento mi amor, as they say it in French.

The caller seemed to claim an identity so false I called him a "sack of rotten potatoes left in a river to die." Who did he say he was? Well, your "boyfriend." Do not worry, I shoed him off. Wait...wait. You have a boyfriend? You let me ramble and serenade you and immerse you in foreign languages? Get out of my party. Some Lady Agnew of Lochnaw you are. Playing with my emotions, you heartless demon sent from the gates of Hell to torment my love. Am I offending you? Good. Great actually. Hold on, what did you just say? Your boyfriend happens to be the chief of police? DO YOU THINK I CARE?!?! Arrest me. ARREST ME. ARREST MY LOVE. I LOVE YOU. I HATE YOU. AHHHHHHHHH. Sorry, sorry I will calm down. I just get worked up, haha. My apologies, I will not try to seduce a woman already in the romantic embrace of another man. Who is that over there? Your sister? You have a sister? Oh, well it was nice talking to you, please excuse me...

Why, hello there. You would not happen to be the sister of that woman resting comfortably in that chair yonder in that pink dress? Hmmm, you are so you say? Well, I could not help but be pulled in by the gravitation pull of beauty radiating from your divine presence...