Instadeath: Cloister Graveyard in the Snow

Alex McDonald
Instadeath
Cloister Graveyard in the Snow
Curated by Alex McDonald

Caspar David Friedrich, Cloister Graveyard in the Snow,  1819

*Curator’s Note: The paintings within this collection were taken by the author to be artwork for the album covers of a fictional metal band called Instadeath. The following is Instadeath fan mail.

Dear Instadeath,

I cried out in sheer joy when I heard your new album Cloister was being released soon. I then almost sacrificed a goat to your new nihilist god when I heard you were using Caspar David Friedrich’s Cloister Graveyard in the Snow. You’re gonna think I’m odd, but if there are two things I love in this world they are good metal and a good Friedrich painting.

I know you probably won’t read my letter read because its fan mail. You get thousands of letters a day, but I am writing with purpose. Your career has mimicked my high school career in art history. Your career has also produced great metal, which I love any day of the week. You see, I have been on this two year journey to combine the art history and metal (completely against my art history teacher’s wishes) in our class blog site. The first blog post I ever did was on Friedrich’s Cloister Ruins at Eldena. The reason I picked Cloister Ruins at Eldena was because I thought the house below the ruins looked like the shack on the cover of Black Sabbath’s debut album, Black Sabbath (1970). The color scheme certainly looks the same. Since that blog post, Friedrich has been my favorite painter. Maybe it’s because he was the first painter I ever looked at, maybe it’s because I like solitude and nature, but, nonetheless, no other painter has captivated me like Friedrich has.

I mentioned in that first blog post how Friedrich inserted the edifice of an old monastery into three of his paintings (Cloister Ruins at Eldena, Abbey in an Oak Grove, and Cloister Graveyard in the Snow). This was his favorite building to paint and these have been my favorite paintings to discuss. As of now, I have written posts on all three of the monastery pieces (this letter will be published on the blog, if the band wants to check it out). The first blog on Eldena held little more than biographical information on Friedrich while the Abbey post I did earlier this year spoke of the wonderful time I’d had so far studying art history at Barstow. It’s funny to look back on earlier times and see how much my approach to these posts have changed. I would never have even dared to mention metal in that first post (much less be funny), but look at me now. So for all those who will be new to art history blogging next year, be adventurous. Find the fun in this. It makes homework entertainment.

As for the Cloister Graveyard, I love the whiteness to it. White covers the floor, outlines the tree branches, highlights the monastery edifice, and engulfs the sky. This white looks pure, despite being the death delivering winter Friedrich was in the midst of when he painted this. My first post mentions he finished this piece while battling a severe illness that would eventually claim his life. The dead trees offset the white’s purity. These dead trunks make the piece eerie (along with the tombstones) and perfect for the latest Instadeath album cover. But the two trees in the foreground frame the edifice perfectly. The funeral procession heads right through the doorway towards the ruined monastery. I want to say the monastery represented something to Friedrich, something that he thought of at all stages in his life. Something that he finally achieved in his old age, or possibly the monastery is death; a force always lingering in the background of his art and in the back of his mind. This force probably now seemed like a real possibility for Friedrich in his old age.

So that’s the end… of this letter, of the Instadeath discography, and of my art history blog posts. Instadeath, I hope you liked this letter. You guys seem to have an appreciation for art along with a creative spark that makes your metal so awesome. To all my readers, I hoped I made you laugh and think once in a while. Hopefully I taught you something (be it about metal or art, in my opinion the two are synonymous). To my art history class, thank you for teaching me new ways of looking at art, and consequently the world. I’ll never be an art historian, but there is power in being able to stop, look at a painting, and tell yourself how it makes you feel and why. This power allows you to know yourself better.

Sincerely,
Alex McDonald

  • 7:00 AM

Instadeath: Giotto's Tongue

Alex McDonald

Instadeath
Giotto's Tongue
Curated by Alex McDonald 
Sam Messer, Giotto's Tongue, 1986


*Curator’s Note: The paintings within this collection were taken by the author to be artwork for the album covers of a fictional metal band called Instadeath. The following is a press release from Instadeath guitarist Tony Koontz on the band’s new album Giotto’s Tongue.

Critics associate Instadeath with rash, judgmental buzzwords like angry, trash, and Satanism. With Giotto’s Tongue, I truly believe that, as a band, we are outgrowing these labels. So let’s go in order.

1) Angry: Okay, you got us. We are angry. I can find no argument against that. Oddly, I am alright with this.

2) Trash: This one I take the most offense to. Metal bands are not trashy, they are down to earth. We tell the truth when others are too scared to. People are disgusting pieces of meat who need to be more in touch with their animalistic nature. We have been trying to show people our opinions on this subject in an educated manner by using famous paintings as artwork for our album covers. Most recently, we have used Sam Messer’s Giotto’s Tongue. This painting may be more obscure than our other choices (which have included such artists as Giotto, Durer, and Titian), but Messer, being an art professor at Yale, holds just as much artistic merit as the ancient masters. Also, Yale. Can anyone argue that’s trashy?

Examine Messer’s Giotto’s Tongue. Here’s a head, whose tongue’s a snake, with its brain hanging out the back. This portrait shows that slab of meat I spoke of earlier. The face screams in agony at its pitiful, natural state. The snake represents the devil inside him. As for the brain, let me explain that in my next point.

3) Satanism: Just to make the point clear, no one in Instadeath worships the Dark Lord… except our drummer, but he’s weird and doesn’t talk much. We use Satan to attract the kids because kids love Satan. Why else would they go to exorcist movies or buy our CDs? Kids outgrow Santa Claus and start believing in Satan. It’s the natural order of things, but recently Satan has not sold as much as he should be. So after much talk and argument from the drummer, we are breaking up with Satan. He’s a fad our fans have outgrown. We are now Nihilists because that’s selling. If you don’t believe me, just look at Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson. Nihilism is the new Satanism.

Giotto’s Tongue brings Instadeath’s new nihilism into our album cover. No spiritual entity embodies evil. The serpent in the garden was not Lucifer (or Lilith if you are well-educated). He was not even in the garden. The serpent lies within us. We are evil and all evil in the world originates with us.

Then there’s the matter of the abstract brain. It has an eye painted onto the top of it. This puts the all seeing eye of God within our own minds. Also, notice how the brain stem and skull kind of looks like another face. The self can be found in the mind, not the soul. Then the brown colors surrounding the head represent the nothingness of life. No heavenly light or hellish reds or even blackness; just a brown that represents Earthly dirt, because that’s all that exists. So, say goodbye Satan because we’re nihilists now. We don’t believe in anything.

  • 7:00 AM

Instadeath: Study after Velazquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X

Alex McDonald
Instadeath
Study after Velazquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X
Curated by Alex McDonald

Francis Bacon, Study after Velazquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X, 1953


 *Curator’s Note: The paintings within this collection were taken by the author to be artwork for the album covers of a fictional metal band called Instadeath. The following is a press release from the Pope concerning Instadeath’s latest album Vile Popery.

I have yet another condemnation to make today. It has come to my attention that forces within the music industry have spoken out against the Papacy. Therefore, it is my sacred duty to warn all Catholics to avoid a band called Instadeath. They are blasphemous Satan worshipers who will burn in Hell for their heathen lifestyle, and you will meet them there if you hazard a bite of their tainted fruit.

Their latest record, entitled Vile Popery, portrays the Holy Roman Catholic Church as a power hungry entity who pleasures themselves by exerting control over its followers. Instadeath then goes on to say the only true salvation comes from offering a blood sacrifice to the Dark Lord. Catholics should not have to stomach these filthy lies being hurdled at them over the radio.

To cap it all off, Instadeath mocks the holy office of the pope with the use of Francis Bacon’s Study after Velazquez’s Portrait of Pope Innocent X. Just look at this piece (but not for too long as it may cause instant damnation)! It is a perversion of Velazquez’s Pope Innocent X. Bacon has portrayed one of our holy fathers as maniacal. The faithful can tell by that devilish scream upon his face. Then the rays of light emitting from his chair obscure his figure and expression. This speaks to the Pope’s distance between himself and the viewer. And what does the Pope do in reply to this distance? He laughs.

Focus on the throne. All light emits from it, representing the power of the Pope’s office. Too bad Bacon looks upon this power as a corrupting and dehumanizing force. Innocent does not even have legs. They are gone, making the Pope ghostly (and dare I say demonic?!). Though at the same time, Innocent seems trapped behind the rays of light and the stage set up by the yellow lines emitting from his chair. So as powerful as he seems, the Pope does not actually have any sway over your life.

Needless to say, these satanic hymns shall not be played in any church, school, or home that follows the teachings of Christ as outlined by the Roman Catholic Church. Your punishment, if you so choose to ignore my warning, shall be eternal Hell fire.

  • 7:00 AM

Instadeath: Hero and Leander

Alex McDonald
Instadeath
Hero and Leander
Curated by Alex McDonald

Peter Paul Rubens, Hero and Leander, 1604

*Curator’s Note: The paintings within this collection were taken by the author to be artwork for the album covers of a fictional metal band called Instadeath. The following is Rolling Stone’s review of their 4th album, Heroes Always Die.
            
“1/2 Stars out of 4” –Instadeath has yet to produce a song that differs from their self-prescribed norm of satanic overtures and thrash-root sound. You could record the sound of an angry baboon throwing his own feces and pass it off for a new Instadeath record. Heroes Always Die is no exception. After listening to five seconds of the first track, I desired to pour gasoline down my ear cavities and stick a lit match in them. If you buy Heroes Always Die, consider yourself damned, regardless of your religious preference and even if you have none.

Instead of wasting my readers’ time by talking more about how badly Instadeath sucks, I will entertain them with a review of Rubens’ Hero and Leander. This painting, unlike Heroes Always Die, actually possesses artistic merit. Rubens based this piece off the story of Hero and Leander, who were lovers separated by the sea. Leander would swim the sea every night in order to be with Hero. One night, a storm made the waters violent. The waves sucked Leander below where he drowned. Hero witnessed this and became what doctors would now dub “clinically depressed.” Lacking the medication she needed, she drowned herself in the same sea her lover drowned in.

That all being said, I cannot help but wonder who all the other people are in the painting? Maybe Leander founded a swim team to accompany him every night. I imagine the trip would get lonely after a while. But wait, here’s a better question. Why in God’s name is Instadeath using a Peter Paul Rubens painting for their new album cover? The people in this band can’t be that cultured, can they? Oh well, I better put aside my biases for a short while in order to stay on track.

The waves act as an imprisoning force in Hero and Leander. The single large wave to the right prevents all the bodies from drifting off that side of the painting. Then this curve exists at the bottom that flows into the wave I just spoke of. Follow this curve to the left and you see it goes straight up, creating another barrier for the bodies in the middle. Then one large wave behind them imprisons the drowning people within the middle ground of the painting. Instadeath has once again picked a painting where the subject is trapped by his surroundings. I believe they might be going for a “WE’RE IMPRISONING YOUR SOUL… with art” motif.

One last thing I’d like to say about this painting: I do not know if Hero and Leander are actually the subjects of this painting. There may be more to the story I don’t know, but if you look closely you can see angels above the waves and to the right. They appear to be coming to the rescue of the drowning people. Though, they look like the storm might be overpowering them. Then there’s the matter of the extra bodies besides Hero and Leander. So, what is this painting actually about? I doubt Instadeath knows the answer to my question.

Overall, I give Rubens’ Hero and Leander a “2½ stars out of 4.” It would have been three, but the shifty subject matter really gets to me.

  • 7:00 AM

Instadeath: Jesus Christ and the Good Thief

Alex McDonald
Instadeath
The Good Thief
Curated by Alex McDonald
Titian, The Good Thief, 1563

*Curator’s Note: The paintings within this collection were taken by the author to be artwork for the album covers of a fictional metal band called Instadeath. The following is an excerpt from the script to Instadeath’s music video for their hit single, “The Good Thief.” This single can be found on their third studio album of the same name, which features Titian’s Jesus Christ and the Good Thief as the cover art.

Titian’s The Good Thief consumes the screen. Fog emits from the grey in Titian’s painting that connects CHRIST and THE GOOD THIEF, showing their connected suffering. The fog also makes the sweeping motion of the sky behind the crosses more noticeable. The motion brings the force of the painting down from the Good Thief’s legs, towards Christ’s feet, and finally upwards into the sky; symbolizing their ascension to come. Though, Titian shows Christ’s three-day descent into Hell by having this sweeping motion lead into a pitch-black sky and by having Christ’s gaze fixed downward.

PAN OUT: The whole hillside of Golgotha can be seen now. Thousands of people celebrate the death of Christ as a select few weep at the feet of his crucifix. Suddenly the Good Thief starts moving his mouth.

CLOSE UP: His mouth whispering inaudible words.

The fog drifts between Christ and the Good Thief, transporting the Thief’s message to Christ.

CLOSE UP: Christ’s ears, the inaudible whispering echoes through them. Suddenly, a slow eerie melody begins.

WIDE: Golgotha. The crowds roars as Instadeath front man JACQUES PADAVONA, dressed in a brown robe, steps in between Christ’s and the Good Thief’s crosses. He sings.

PADAVONA (singing)

He stole for fame and wealth
with a sense of shame and stealth.
To hide his sinner’s eyes
he constructs the keenest lies
until the night he was found
to be one of Satan’s hounds.

Lightning cracks the sky, coinciding with the beginning of a hellish guitar riff. In the brief second of darkness, the rest of the band appears around the feet of the crucifixes. All are dressed in brown robes and play their instruments.

PADAVONA (screaming)

They say he fostered remorse
rotting in his cell,
but he had to pay, of course,
for the sea of wrong he could not quell.

CU: The Good Thief,  writing in pain on his cross.

PADAVONA (screaming)

So they hung him on the cross
next to his new boss.
Who was feeling weak
and trying to stay meek.

CU: Another cross on the opposite side of Christ’s. THE BAD THIEF hangs there. He has devil horns protruding from his curly hair and scars and deformities cover his body.

PADAVONA (screaming)

While a devil told him no.
You don’t have to die here.
You could free us.
The end doesn’t have to be near.

The shot mimics Titian’s painting like the opening shot. The Good Thief, now screaming unintelligible sounds, stares intently at Christ.

PADAVONA (screaming)

But Christ cut His losses.
Watch their blood seethe
on the crosses.
For even Christ listened to a good thief.

  • 7:00 AM

Instadeath : Knight, Death, and the Devil

Albrecht Dürer
Instadeath
Knight, Death, and the Devil
Curated by Alex McDonald

Albrecht Durer, Knight, Death, and the Devil, 1513

*Curator’s Note: The paintings within this collection were taken by the author to be the artwork for the album covers of a fictional metal band called Instadeath. The following are Instadeath’s linear notes for their second album, 1513 A.D.

Lead Vocals, Lead Bass Guitar-Jacques Padavona
Lead Guitar, Backup Vocals-Tony Koontz
Rhythm Guitar, Backup Vocals-Johnny “Bloody” Valentine
Drums, And Nothing Else-Jackie Sack
Produced by Instadeath and Bob Frost

Instadeath would like to thank: their loving families who did nothing in particular except kick them out of the house as soon as they turned 18 (except for Sack’s Mom, who would always let the band crash in her basement and was happy to provide Oreos and V8 Juice), a group of young, angry people who continue to buy Instadeath albums, and Danzig for making the greatest album of all time, Lucifuge (1990).

Finally, Instadeath would like to thank Albrecht Durer and his estate for allowing Knight, Death, and the Devil to fall into the public domain. It would not have been possible for the band to use this image otherwise. Koontz would like to add that he appreciates Durer for starting the crazy German tradition.  Koontz, being a community college dropout and having more experience in academia than his band mates, theorizes German folklore and Protestantism are the primary influences for Durer’s work. In fact, Durer balances the two in Knight, Death, and the Devil.

Death, holding an hour glass, lurks to the Knight’s left. Death does not resemble the stereotypical scythe wielding grim reaper or ghostly angel of death. Instead, he looks like the reanimated remains of a German lord. Notice also Death’s gaze. He looks directly at a sickly, biped boar named Satan. These are Christian figures morphed to resemble the creatures of old German fairy tales.

Now please turn your attention to the Knight because he seems doomed. A village lies beyond the mountains. Whether the Knight has just left the village or is heading towards the village one cannot say, but it does not matter. Durer has placed large rocks in between the Knight and the village, compositionally cutting him off from safety. Then Death and the Devil are on each side of the Knight, creating barriers that trap him in the foreground of the painting. Also notice Death’s horse leaning his head towards the ground. This cuts off the Knight’s horse from running away. Instead of painting a cage, Durer created a composition that was a cage.

So, when you listen to 1513 A.D. feel trapped. Koontz is semi-educated and knows his paintings. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t, but all in all the riffs and power chords of 1513 A.D. were made to imprison your soul.

  • 7:00 AM

Instadeath: Envy

Alex McDonald
Instadeath
Envy
Curated by Alex McDonald

Giotto, Envy, 1305

 *Curator’s Note: The paintings within this collection were taken by the author to be the artwork for the album covers of a fictional metal band called Instadeath. The following is a fictionalized interview with Instadeath front man Jacques Padavona on the release of their first album, titled Invidia.
            
Padavona’s dressing room reeked of rock n’ roll: dirty socks, sweaty leather jackets, and incense of the illegal nature. Clothes, empty bottles, and fast food wrappers littered the floor. And there he sat, legs crossed, atop his unmade bed. Black hair, black shirt, black jeans, and black aviators. It was amazing, the Reporter thought, that one could have so much money and still live like an animal.
            
“Should we get started, Mr. Padavona?”
           
“Fire when ready.”
            
“Well, do you have a place for me to sit?”
           
“The floors my usual spot.”
           
The Reporter looked down at his feet, which had disappeared under Whopper and McRib wrappers. “I think I’ll elect to stand. Now, I understand your first album, Invidia, will be released next week and it features a rather interesting choice for the album cover. Would you mind explaining your use of Giotto’s Envy?”
            
“You mean gee-o-toe.”
           
“What?”
           
“It’s pronounced gee-o-toe.”
          
“Uh, I’m pretty certain it’s Giotto.”
            
“Whatever. If you want to look like an idiot in your own interview be my guest.”
            
“That’s completely alright with me.”
            
“You know, I see what you’re doing. The worlds full of stupid people, right? Well the amount of smart people has been increasing, which, believe it or not, is a bad thing. The number of smart people needs to be low for them to still be able to call themselves smart. If the everyday man could understand quantum physics imagine what one would have to do in order to be considered above average intelligence. So, I respect what you’re doing. Taking one for the team in order to let the smarties of the world feel good and the idiots-”
            
“Giotto. I asked about Giotto. Let’s stick with Giotto, if you please.”
            
“Kay…” Jacques took out his smart phone and looked at it. “I like Gee-o-toe. He’s the man, but not the man. Just the man, in the good way. For me, he started art. I mean, what was there before him? Cave paintings and pyramids! He practically discovered the paintbrush, much like how Led Zepplin discovered music. He created perspective, for God’s sake! I know Envy isn’t a good example of that so you’ll have to take my word as an expert art historian. Now let’s take a closer look at Envy. You know why I love Gee-o-toe, but why this fresco? Personally, I like the cosmic feel to it. You ever see Castagno’s Last Supper? There’s this abstract storm of energy in the windows behind the table that transports you to this otherworldly realm. It heightens the importance of the event for me. Envy works like that too if you pay attention to the border and background. I know that’s what marble usually looks like, but for me it places Gee-o-toe’s human personification of envy in this incredibly modern take on Hell.
            
“At the same time though, Envy still is a product of its time. The flames coming up to consume the figure are of a conventional Catholic interpretation of Hell. Then the snake slithering out his mouth to blind him shows how his own envy will inhibit his judgment. Also, I think he may somehow be cuckolding himself with these feelings of envy, which explains his horns. That or this figure is just a straight up demonic disciple of Satan. Finally, Invidia, Italian for envy, etched in stone above the disciple’s head channels old testament punishment, which is the only kind of punishment worthwhile.”
            
The Reporter looked up from his notebook. “You know, that wasn’t all that bad. You had a pretty decent interpretation of that fresco.”
            
“Thanks,” Jacques said, putting his phone away. “I just read that all off the internet.”
            
“What?”
            
“Yeah, check out the My Kid Could Paint That blog site sometime. It comes in handy.”
           
“If you just read that off your phone, why did you really pick this painting?”
            
“Dude, the guy’s puking a snake. How cool is that?”

  • 7:00 AM